Let it flow, Let it flow, Let it flow!

Last night Andrea and I just wanted to get out in the gorgeous weather that Houghton was experiencing. We had a heat wave of about 45 degrees last night around 8. We didn't know where we were going, we just knew we needed to get out. So we did and we started to make a lap around campus. As we got going I just felt a need that we should pray. You see it's finals week this week and that translates to over-worked, under-slept, cranky teenagers placed into a little room by the masses. This does not translate to an enjoyable environment on campus, but the fun has just begun. I am close with Andrea, but other times when I have suggested things like this they just got brushed to the side. I thought I would give it a chance and she agreed. So as we walked we prayed. We made our first lap and we both wanted to continue. We prayed for a lot of different things (i.e. President Shirley Mullen, our campus safety, the attitudes of students, our country and leadership, our lives and character) just anything that was on our heart was on our lips in prayer. It was amazing.
Andrea and I both had our first final today...western civ. We both were kind of nervous about the test and what would be on it. So we prayed again. Something that is so essential to our walk with Christ is one of the first things that we don't get to on our to-do list. Maybe because it is something that we can hide from others(after all we are "continually" praying) and maybe get to as we get into bed. But as I prayed I remembered how much I actually enjoy doing it and its even more enjoyable when you have someone to pray with. It's easier to see prayer as a conversation with God as you do it aloud. And I understand for some people this is like taking on Goliath and I am not saying praying aloud is the only way. Not a bit. But I am saying that we need to do it, however we choose, we just need to be in prayer.
I am now attending college in Western New York, and if you know anything about New York it's that it nothing more than the city. But if you know two things about New York, it's that they get alot of snow. An interesting thing about is that it changes things. At the first snow fall it does not immediately stick to the ground, the ground must get to the right freezing temperature and thenthe snow can go somewhere. After the ground is cold enough, the snow just can't stop coming down it needs to keep going in order to build up enough for anyone to notice. It can snow for hours and you might get an inch or two (or a foot in Buffalo). But once it's there, it's there for awhile. It is only when the snow refuses to fall that we no longer have it.
This is alot like our prayer lives. I am not saying that we should put a bunch of prayers in our savings account and accumulate them and live off of that until we get low. I want to focus on the beginning on the snow fall. It is a lot of work to develop a prayer life, but it's possible. With little prayers as we wait in line, or before dinner, or in the car they begin to add up and it becomes easier to talk with God. And as we continue we become a little bit bolder in our prayers in what we are praying and how we pray. It is when we stop and let complacency take over that we have to refreeze the ground. So as a word of encouragement let the words flow from your mouth to the ears of God and let them flow, let them flow. Let them flow.

I despised poetry just yesterday, but today something happened that made me almost fall in love with it (if I dare to venture that far). We read a selection of poems from Jane Kenyon and if I am completely honest it was some of the most abstract poetry I had ever read. How does art resemble a man's t-shirt or an owl landing on a branch that does not notice that it is there. That's when Emily came. Actually I went over to her, but she really gave me some wonderful insight into the creative writing mind. She said poetry is a way for a person to express their fears, anxities, joys, and whatever emotion they may be feeling in a way that just frees them. This is not a new idea, but tonight I really got it. After I understood that aspect I really enjoyed her poetry. Yes there are still some lines that I don't understand and others that just seem foolish, but through the reading I could feel her pain and experience her joy. I was the one that was missing the mark. At the end of the texts is a brief summary of the life that she led given by her husband. She did not travel an easy road; she suffered and eventually died from leukemia. This took a toll on her body as most treatment does which left her hands disabled. She couldn't read or write poetry. This had been her outlet for so long, which is what makes her poems written during the process that much more powerful. This is where God stepped in and the Holy Spirit really began to move in my heart.

He reminded me of how quickly I was to judge her poetry out of my ignorance and reminded me of Matthew 7:1-3:
Don't judge others, or you will be judged. You will be judged in the same way that you judge others, and the amount you give to others will be given to you. "Why do you notice the little piece of dust in your friend's eye, but you don't notice the big piece of wood in your own eye?


I did not know her story. Her pain and grief. Sorrow and loss. Or the joys that she got through writing. I did not know her. I quickly judged her actions based on how I am designed to vent out my spectra of emotions. She was crazy and weird and babbled on about nothing. However, this was the only way she knew how to deal with the pain. Through words she became vulnerable and allowed strangers to enter her life on an intimate level that many of us never will.

In ministry, the workplace, school, and just the mundane of everyday life, how many times do we look at the way people are dealing with things in their life differently than we do and brush them off? I think it happens more than we like to admit. We do not hang out with people who are emotionally needy or unstable, or too happy for us, act stupid in public. There are so many reasons the list could go on and on, but we all react differently to the same situation.

The real lesson is learned when we remove any preconceptions of that person assigned to them because of our ignorance and just listen. Here the story. Feel their pain. Just be there. I think we will find a richness to relationship that was never there before.

Every blessing,
Staci

When the tears came, it was then I heard, "I'm here."

Last Sunday, was a pretty rough day. My best friend at college criticized something I did and it hurt my feelings. It was over a homemade wreath and I cried and got upset with her. I don't know why I just did. It seemed as though my world was slowly crumbling. Thoughts like: "Why am I even here?"; "I will never be a success."; "I should just give up and go...somewhere. Anywhere but here where I do not fit in."


After I locked myself in my room for an hour or so I packed up my things and went to Koinonia which is a time of worship and meditation. I thought right now I need God, more than anything I want to feel loved and accepted for who I am. I feel that the most when I am with Him. So I sat alone there in my seat as the group began... "Tonight's theme will be Deliverance." Excuse me, hold on one second, I just need to go grab like 20 tissues before we get this started. It was as if this was for me, every song and scripture. God created and God-given to me. As I sat there crying about just different things that I had to work through clear as day I heard, "I am here." Not in a booming voice, but one that spoke directly to my spirit. It was Him and He came near. And guess what, I was delivered. I was delivered from the hurt feelings from earlier, just a fresh start.

I don't really know where you (if there are any you's reading) are at right now. If you have been hurt by those closest to you or someone made fun of your wreath, i just don't know. There is one thing I will not do and that is belittle your situation. I hate that when people say it will all be okay. maybe it will or maybe it won't. I only want to give advice keep searching. Keep searching for God and answers and hope and peace and a friend. Whatever it takes, just keep searching. It will find you. He will find you. In fact, He already has.

Where have I been lately?

I am not who I once was and I don't know if that's a good or bad thing. On one hand, I have learned so much from Houghton about who I am and who I want to be, but I miss the passion that I once had. Sometimes I don't feel like God is my best friend. Why is this? Is he like the sun, he comes and he goes? No, because the Word of God tells me that he will never leave me nor forsake me, but where is he when my world seems so cold and dark.
First of all, I know that I have sin to confess. I have not been pure in my actions, behaviors and speech. Lord, please forgive. Not because of what I've done but because of who You are. These actions are not ones that I am proud of, but I give them completely over to God because he is the only restorative power in my life. It is through his grace that I am saved. God I am sorry! I am truly sorry!
So why do I confess this online, no one even knows this blog exists. It feels good for it no longer to be my secret. Satan no longer has power over me and my short-comings. I will no longer be defined by what I have done wrong. Cleanse me Lord and make me into the woman that I need to be for you. No longer driven by people's opinions of me, or the way I view myself, but by who I am in You. Make me strong enough to stand up for my convictions.

Prayer:
Lord, I am human. I fall. I stumble. I will never be enough. But I know God that you have chosen me, you are looking for me and you love me. Help me to feel that in everything that I do, and respect would be given to you through my lifesong that I want to be continuously singing to You. Help our relationship to grow stronger day by day. Allow me the time to set apart to meet with you. For me to intercede for others, express my concerns and most importantly listen for your voice. You are Holy and Righteous and I choose today to love you with every ounce of my being. From every morning until I sleep, from now into all eternity. Never ceasing. Here is my life and I lay it down at your feet knowing and trusting that You have made me for a greater purpose than I could have ever imagined. I want to love you with everything that is in me. Teach guide and direct my thoughts and actions.

I love YOU! Amen

Who I am Hates Where I am at

It has been about a year and 4 months since I wrote on here before going to Mexico and my life is so different. I now attend school at Houghton College in New York and do not know how I feel about it yet. And that is where my story begins....

College life is good, I am making some friends and finding alot out about myself. However, it is not home and it is not what I dreamt about. It just is. I go to class from 8-2 and homework almost every ounce of my free time and for what? A diploma. an education. This is not who I am, this is not what I have been created for.

Who I am:
~A servant at heart, you have a need and I have a desire to serve you in order to meet that need. Here, I am a nobody. A faceless person in the crowd with no name and with no accountability.
~A worshipper. I long for the day where it will be non-stop worship of my maker, Creator, Friend, and Father. Here I am thankful for the different styles of worship put into the melting pot, but am so disppointed by the lack of authenticity that comes with it.
~A lover who desires to be wanted and loved in return. I put myself out there and become very vulnerable, but for who. I want to be your friend and your shoulder to cry on but I can't if you do not let me.
~A follower of Jesus Christ. He is the name under which I am. Everything I do is done for Him, every breath I take and every act I do it is all done to glorify Him.

So where does that leave me in secluded Houghton? About as far from where I want to be as possible (at this point in time). Even though it is not everything that I wanted college to be it definately has its high points in which shall be saved for another blog. But being here has left me wanting something more as if I have tasted what my future will be like and cannot stop until I am fully satisfied.

My Goals for this next year are:
To be like Christ in everything that I do. To care for the fatherless and humble myself to wash the feet of the wicked. And never stop spreading the message of joy and hope that is found in Him.
To mentor students and call them to a degree of higher worship. One that is based on a genuine love for the Creator.
To make the best out of every situation that I am given. No matter what the cost, I will praise God through this storm.

I pray that I will be on here more often than every year, but I hope when I look back at this a year from now I will not be who I am.

For His Glory,
Staci